SELF-DEFENSE VERSES THE BANANA

Check these out, they may make you smile, laugh, giggle, or just shake your head. All of these are true, names and bits of information have been changed to protect the dignity of the guilty….

A veteran police officer and his partner were responding to a call at the local diner. When they arrived, they saw a distraught young man in his late teens brandishing a steak knife, threatening two patrons. This being a small town the officers knew the man and the reason why he was threatening them. (The young woman had recently become his ex-fiance and was in the company of her new boyfriend.)

The veteran officer calmly approached the teen who now turned his attention toward him. The officer was a martial artist, a local legend having won a number of Tae Kwon Do tournaments. His house was filled with plaques, trophies and other mementoes of various national and international tournaments, and he was the senior instructor at the local dojang. The teen recognized him and realized he was in for a few pounds of trouble.

So the kid panicked and lunged at the officer. The officer stepped back and executed a text-book perfect disarm.

The young man stepped back, the officer bowed, picked up the knife and handed it back to the teen and went into Chun-bi stance. The teen looked at the knife and then looked at the officer. Before realization set into the officer, the young man went to attack again. This time his partner bopped the kid, took away the knife and cuffed him.

Afterwards, the partner asked the officer what happened, but not as gently as that. His question was filled with various four-letter expletives. The officer, embarrassed, admitted he blanked and thought he was back in class.

After a workout a few years back, a bunch of us stopped by a local McDonalds to grab some quick food. Behind the counter was an attractive young lady. She overheard our conversation and saw the Asian writing on our shirts. She asked if we were martial artists. My student, Rich, in the hopes of getting her name and phone number, quickly struck up a conversation and told her that we had just finished class.

The young lady smiled and announced that she was a Ju-jitsu master along with her brother. Rich, thinking he had found his perfect woman, young, attractive and a martial artist, really turned on the charm if you want to call it that. Anyway, he asked with whom she trained. She said that she and her brother had bought every Ultimate Fighting videotape and that she had read Bruce Lee’s Red book—whatever that is!

We were all struggling to keep a straight face. We all burst out laughing (even Rich) when she announced that she and her brother learned techniques by slowing down the tapes. She became extremely angry. She said she had mad skills and that she was going to get Bruce Lee’s other book and then watch the Karate Kid movies so then she’ll be a master of Karate also -and Rich had better watch himself!

Years ago a famous Kung-fu master living in Boston was walking his dog late one Saturday night through the Combat Zone or Boston’s red light district. Now this master looked like a frail, old Chinese man out walking his dog…well…. it’s some sort of toy poodle. So, there they were, this frail old Chinese man and this itty, bitty toy poodle strolling late at night in the dangerous part of town. Naturally they were spotted by a couple of nasty-bad-nasties who pounced on the old man.

Maybe an hour or so later, the EMT’s had already carted the nasty-bad-nasties away and the police were taking the old man’s statement. A local reporter ran with the story. The next day, the story was played up big in the newspapers.

That Monday the Sifu’s school was packed with students and the curious. Everyone was talking about what had happened and were debating on how the Sifu dealt with the situation. Some said he must have used so and so technique, others said he did this and that technique followed by such and such. Finally, he arrived and everyone began questioning him. It was a cacophony of voices. The old man raised his hand and everyone fell silent. He indicated for his senior student to speak. Sifu, we all want to know what technique did you use on them? He suggested one technique, another student suggested another, and it went on for a few seconds. The Sifu shook his head, looked at all the students and said: Technique, what techniques did I use? Screw technique, I was so scared I just kept hitting them until they stopped! A young man and an attractive young lady got on the Queens bound subway. The young man was trying hard to impress the young lady with his superior knowledge of the martial arts. It’s all about your energy, he said empathically. Energy is everything! See, I’ve been reading the books and watching the videos for a long time so I understand the secrets! The secret is the energy; it’s all about the energy! The energy is called Tai! That’s why you have Tai Chi and Muy Tai and Tai Kwon Do…. Some years ago a young man introduced himself to me. He had just read one of my articles and didn’t agree with everything that I had said. He had been training for a number of years; and told me that he was a Sifu Sensei in Tae Kwon Do. I looked at him for a second, shook my head and walked away.

Owen was a potential martial arts superstar and he knew it. He had won grand champion at a number of tournaments, including certain international events, and was invited to join a prestigious international demonstration. In fact, his techniques were so sharp that a couple of Hollywood producers were talking to him. He even traveled with an entourage. Tournament promoters loved for him to appear because he was guaranteed to bring a crowd. No doubt about it, Owen knew he was a superstar in the making.

It was a simple outdoor exhibition to help celebrate the opening of a friend’s new martial art school. The crowd was huge and the air was electric as Owen went through some spectacular techniques, demonstrating his incredible physical abilities. For his finale, Owen did an incredible jumping, twisting spinning kick, and kicked an apple off of a sharpened sword. He landed and the crowd went wild. Owen blew the crowd a kiss and proceeded to strut off the stage. Unfortunately, his foot touched a small piece of the shattered apple and. …WHHHAPPP-BOOOM!

Owen flew in the air landed unceremoniously on his…ah…bottom. So much for the superstar.

There’s more, but I’ll save ‘em for next time.

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